end22’s blog

ALSO................shhhh dont tell the 'rents....lol

Wedding2

Some CRAZY and PREMATURE thoughts on my mind lately. Sure we've been nonchalantly and unrealistically discussing it.........

Wedding

I would be happy for you, if you got married tomorrow. I think you are too young, and you

Every new "Today" seems more anxious than ever. Do you find more solace in "Yesterday" or "Tomorrow"? Why?

I think that although I find solace in yesterday, it is minimal and fleeting. I can rely comfortably on past images and memories to  pretend happiness, but that is only make believe. Yesterday was great. It always is, because looking back is always easier and more convenient than looking at today. Of course Life was easier yesterday, Love seemed brighter, and you were happier. It seems that in looking back it is more ideal for us to ignore the hurt and pain and regrets, while the joys and fun times often shine through, dimming  even the most painstaking memories.

When I reminisce, I forget the sting of heartbreak, the fury in deceit, and the grieving in loss. But I can vividly remember falling in love for the first time, turning 21, all the times spent partying with friends.....all those memories guide me to today. 

Today is full of anxiety because it is here! Unavoidable! Unwanted! Feared. Up front in our face and it is already half over.

Yesterday seemed so easy, so happy and simple. When really, we have just healed from ALL the yesterdays. Which is why: Tomorrow not only gives me the most solace, but the most HOPE and FAITH. I HOPE tomorrow has the ability to be better than today, no matter how  great today was. I have FAITH that tommorow will always be a brighter day. Without that hope and faith, where would I be today???

What do you do when you get a crush on someone? 

Usually, I get what I want. 

Usually, if I have a crush on someone, I play it as cool as the ocean breeze. I maintain interest, but ignore infatuation. I try to make myself pertinent in their life. I attempt to become a permanent fixture, so that in my absence, they will recognize my contribution to their existence. No, not in a vain way. But in a "I hope you realize soon how much u actually like me once I am absent so that you will understand how much I like you when in your presence" type of way. Confusing? Yea, it is to me too.

I never kiss and tell. I've kissed only 2 guys I didn't like (since high school which doesn't count). I was momentarily attracted to them, but I didn't really care for their personality. Strangely, some guys talk me into a crush. Accidentally, slyly, frustratingly, as if it wasn't my idea at all.

When I crush, I have tunnel vision, until my crush likes me twice as much. I am only comfortable in a relationship when I am positive the other person is deeper in it than me. Only then will I play catch-up.

When I crush, 

I flirt, ignore, anger, trick, pretend, confess, hug, kiss, lay with, infuriate, uplift, support, remember, forget, hate, like, engage, retract, enamor, pull in, and push away. It just depends on the day...........................

I crush all the time. But I rarely love............barely like.........and sometimes hate..........

What are your top five break-up songs?

Oooo, yea! As I have recently been updating my outdated Ipod, I had trouble picking songs. I am NOT in emotional crisis (as I often have been in the past year in one way or another) so I tried to pick a variety of songs: break-up, in-love, self respect, angry, etc..Mine's DEF are:

1. Single Again - Trina

2. Let it Go - Keyshia Cole

3. I Hate U so Much Right Now - Kelis (this one's a classic!!)

4. Beyonce - its a toss-up between Me, Myself and I & Irreplaceable

5. Don't Speak - No Doubt

Has anyone ever done something so horrible to you that "I'm sorry" couldn't fix it?

Yes. Actually, three people in my life have done that. And those three people were once very integrated in my everyday experiences and were involved in my most important events. One, a longtime friend, treated me like a slave. My people were freed over 400 years ago, I will NEVER allow someone to demean me. 

The other person, was a newfound friend, and we bonded intellectually, physically, and mentally. The electricity between us cackled each time we were near. My friend took over my thoughts and wandered into my soul. Although our acquaintance was short, it was an instant connection. A little too quick. And boundaries were crossed, feelings stomped on, respect squandered away. He said sorry more than I can ever remember someone saying sorry, but it came too late. Better late than never? Not in this case. And although his friendship will be missed and abandoned, my self respect comforts me.

Lastly, the x factor's behavior and consequences can never be apologized enough for. So at some point, he just stopped saying sorry, realizing this before I did. Nothing he did or said could heal those old wounds. Nothing except his departure from my intimate life. He became a casual friend. Whereas once a potential life partner. I believe it was the worst "sorry" I'd ever gotten. Although it was the most genuine......... 

When was the last time you drove out of town?

Sunday. I drove to a wedding which seemed states away even though it was about 55 miles away. Surprisingly, it didnt seem that long of a drive, even with the Bay Area bottleneck traffic. But then again, it was another warm weather day. Sun shining and me driving. The drive on the way back wasn't too terrible either. The sun had just set and the California sky glowed for about 30 minutes, a mix between dark teal and indigo blue. My favorite. And, I was with someone who makes me glow, so maybe that's why the ride was so fun...... Tonight, I will be driving out of town too. Well, is across the bridge considered out of town? When you live in the city, almost everything is out of town! I am usually only in town during the week, and even that (like today) is subject to change. I love road trips. As long as I'm not driving! BTW, the wedding was very simple and beautiful. True love, sigh, what is more beautiful than that?

I want what i want when I want it. Padre says I am spoiled, last night. I want what I want when I want it.